Nathan J. 💘

On October 17th 2015 I made the best decision of my life and that was to be his girlfriend. I cannot tell you how happy I am or how much I love him I think it just can’t be measured. For so long I thought if I ever found someone it would be years down the line not while I was 22 years old. This man has completely changed my entire life. I had such a hard time with trusting him and letting him in not because of the person he was it was because of what I’ve been through. My life hasn’t been easy. I’ve talked a lot about how the men who have come into my life only want one thing from me and when they don’t get what they set out to I find myself alone and heartbroken. I was scared that it would happen so I told him from the beginning if all he wanted was sex he wasn’t going to get it from me. He said “that’s fine with me. We can wait as long as you want.” I said,”are you sure?” He replied with a simple “yes”. Since that day and everyday after he said he would show me how much he cared for me and that in time I’d see for myself that what we have is real. Here we are 10 almost 11 months into our relationship and I have fallen so deep in love with this man. Sometimes I still worry I’ll mess things up, he helps me stay positive and reassures me that we’re okay. I thought because of the life I didn’t know I’d be so deserving of a man like this. I worry I talk too much about the future and us having a family I don’t want to scare him away, but it’s how I feel. I see us having all of that together. I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like him and I thank God for him everyday. I know some things aren’t meant to last, but I feel we were made for each other. He’s my forever and always. 💘💘

Broken

I can’t cry anymore I feel as if I’m dried up inside. These past few months have not been any easier. Losing my dad has damaged me so much I feel like I can’t even function. I’m trying to go on, but even waking up in the morning seems like a hard job. I’m starting school which scares me more than it excites me because I feel like I’m so behind. My mom I know she means well and she thinks tough love is the way to go, but she has no idea that’s what is putting me down. Constantly comparing me to my boyfriend, telling me that my boyfriend will leave me because he doesn’t want to date a loser like me, pushing me to get a job which I understand, but constantly throwing it in my face I have no say because I don’t pay bills. I’m frustrated and hurt. There are many things she’s said to me that I will never forget. She told me today that it’s my fault I didn’t have a better relationship with my dad and I would’ve gotten to know him if I wasn’t so bitter never wanting to leave the house. She soon forgets my dad didn’t want to take me. He’d talk smack to me every time I did go. She says I’m always locked up in my room and never go out. I like to go out, but not where she forces me to go. I hate being forced to do something I don’t want to. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this. I want to be okay again I just don’t know how. I pray to God and I ask my dad to give me strength for tomorrow because sometimes I feel like I won’t make it. I feel like this is truly a place where I can truly express myself. I have a tendency to keep things bottled up so I’m going to try and change that. I will release my stress through this blog because I can’t think straight with all these thoughts on my mind.

Barely hanging on.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this alone, but today I feel I have nothing left to give. On February 8th I lost my father. Nothing about his death made sense to me and it’s been hard to wrap my head around the idea even now it still doesn’t feel real. I never really had a good relationship with my dad so I thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much, but I was so wrong. I feel as if I can’t catch my breath and I’ve been like this since it happened. I had a girl I once knew from work tell me “you need to forgive your father even if he’s not sorry, don’t do it for him do it for you so you can find peace and move forward with your life because if you don’t the future relationships you have will never work.”
I wish I would’ve tried harder to mend my relationship with my dad. It was so sudden I never got the chance to say my goodbyes or how I still loved him no matter what he said to me. It kills me because I know my boyfriend won’t be able to ask him for my hand in marriage, that he’ll never walk me down the aisle, he’ll never be able to dance the father daughter dance and then hand me to my husband, that he’ll never know the joy of being a grandpa and that my kids will know him. I think about this everyday and it never stops. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever feel whole again, but I hope one day I won’t feel this heaviness in my heart. I’m broken and I don’t know what to do or how to fix it. I’ll just start with one day at a time.

What a wise seventeen year old I was.

Marriage
“I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” These words can join two people together in holy matrimony which will last a lifetime. Even after death this love will not end they are bound together by one word. Marriage.

The word marriage means that the state of being united to a person as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. The origin comes from Middle English marriage, from Anglo-French, from marier to marry. Synonyms for marriage are wedding, matrimony, nuptials, wedding ceremony, marriage ceremony. One antonym is divorce.

Some people may have different opinions about how this word is defined. I believe that marriage is not a simple piece of paper. It’s about sharing a life with someone who you love and someone who will always be there for you no matter what. Not only a partner, but a best friend. Someone to confess your secrets to and someone who knows you better than you know yourself and who knows your likes and dislikes as much as you do. A friend to comfort you through the rough times, and celebrate the good ones with.

Some people don’t understand what the word marriage is and do not take it seriously. For that reason is why some marriages don’t work and end in divorce. I think it’s sad that people who really do love each other and are truly can’t be married because of their same sex. While others are out there not committing to their marriage vows. I strongly believe marriage is a sacred word and it comes with a lot of responsibility and most of all trust. Without any of those things a marriage will not work. I have seen how a marriage can fall apart because of infidelity. My dad had another family with one of my mothers’ friend. Because of my father’s mistake he not only broke my mother’s heart he disappointed his family.

For that reason I find it hard to have feelings for another person let alone trust. My dad who I looked up to for so many years let me down. My mom let it go on because she didn’t want us to grow up without our father she hoped he would stop, but he never did. Until one day she finally left and I supported her because she didn’t deserve anything of what my dad did to her. I can only hope when I commit to someone for the rest of my life or in general just commit that he won’t break my heart and honor his wife and kids and never disappoint them. I have lived it and I do not wish that upon anyone because it’s a horrible way to live. That is why marriage means so much to me and shouldn’t be taken for granted because loving someone and them loving you back and getting to spend the rest of your life with them is a gift not a must.

Epiphany.

You know guys it’s been a while since I’ve been here and man has it been crazy. I’ve met someone! Before you get too happy let me just say. I don’t think it’s going to work out. I realized today just sitting here on the floor. He’s no good for me. 1. He makes no time to see me. 2. He doesn’t want anything serious. 3. He’s not a very nice person. I’m just kind of at that point where I’m thinking what the hell have I been doing wasting my time with someone who doesn’t value me and the things I’d do to make them happy. I’m so frustrated with the fact I always put in more effort than the other person. I thought maybe I could try and fix him to work through the problem he has with trusting women, but I think that’s just an excuse to avoid a potential relationship. I’m sad now. I feel that if he really liked me he would try harder and actually want a relationship.I go through this all the time. I just don’t understand why I’m not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend. Is it my physical? Am I not thin enough? Pretty enough? All these thoughts running through my mind. I honestly don’t know why I can’t be happy. I just want to love and be loved. I think I deserve happiness too. I’ve tried to do right and be a good person. It just seems nothing works.
I think it’s time I let go of this one. It was fun while it lasted and I’m going to stop trying to fix broken people it never works and the only one whoever gets hurt here is me. I’m stubborn and I don’t like to let thing go, but a girl has to know when to walk away. I think I’ve reached my breaking point. Smile and move on.

Blondes have more fun?

I’m starting to believe that blondes do have more fun! So recently I’ve been going through some dramatic changed in my life so I tried a new cut and color. So yes blonde! This was my before

My after.

I don’t know it’s the hair or the new lipstick, but whatever it is I’m glad! The sad thing about wearing the blonde is that no one thinks I’m Mexican anymore. Before it was because I was light, but now it’s the hair. For example , at work when I speak Spanish people look surprised that I speak another language. I don’t know, but I just felt like sharing my hair change with you guys. I’m happy with it. (: What’s your opinion blonde or brunette?

Mondays *sigh*

I think Mondays are the absolute worst! I seem to be even more moody and stressed knowing I have a lot to get done. Today just seems to be the longest days of my life. I’m not sure if it’s because my work load today is ridiculous or I’m just worried about things out of my control.
I can always give advice my favorite line is ” if you can do something about it change it and if you can’t don’t dwell on something you can’t change” that’s what I say, but when it comes to taking my own advice I fall short. It’s seriously so frustrating.
Anyway sorry peeps I didn’t mean to rant so early in the day, but I do hope things get better because today I’m just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. (This picture made me smile just when I needed it)

Time heals and even the deepest of wounds

I miss this blog terribly, but I stopped writing in it because I was out living life instead of being locked up in my room. Today I woke up with the heaviest of hearts. I can’t explain how much love truly hurts. I saw it coming, but of course the hopeless romantic I am had to get the most dramatic of endings to a love affair. That’s simply just who I am.
Remember five months of wasted love? Yeah I thought I was over him too, but someone he just stuck around. Time not distance has made me love him any less. He’s everything I’d ever want. He’s smart, caring, faithful, sincere, honest, nerdy but the cute kind, he’s a wonderful listener and is the most supportive of men and I am deeply in love with him. The saddest part of all is he belongs to another. I don’t even hate the girl at all which is weird, but I just simply hate the fact he isn’t with me. Yesterday I was honest with him about the way I felt and he told me how he felt about me dating someone else. I just don’t understand how he can’t see that if you fall for somebody else. That if you feel jealous of another guy going out with your girl you aren’t as in love with your partner as you think. I wish he could see that. I know it may seem like I’m the bad guy, but I never made a move I’ve never done anything I always kept my distance. Somehow he always seemed to pull me back. He has this indescribable hold on me it’s going to take some time to get over it, but I will. Loving a man who doesn’t love you back isn’t something I want to deal with. Isn’t something I ever want to go through it sucks, but I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. I give up and I’m closing my heart to him. He will never choose me and I don’t understand why. I think I’m a good girl I could’ve made him happy I just don’t understand why I’m not good enough. You know how they say hate can easily turn into love? Well the love I have for Jay has turned into hate and resentment. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I deserve better maybe later I can let go and move on, but today I’ll hold on to this hate to get me through this terrible heart ache. I’ll keep you posted on my hearts status later right now it seems pretty empty.

H.J.B❤️

You know fellow bloggers I’ve realized something about myself over the past few weeks. I’m a one man kind of woman and as much as I’ve tried to get over this man there’s no hope to be found. I tried talking to other men saddest part of it all is as much as a try I can’t see a future with anyone else that isn’t him. Maybe I’m a fool almost a year I’ve given this man and he’s given me nothing in return. Now I bet you’re all wondering why I’m not with this guy if I feel this way? Well before you judge me let me say I had no intentions for falling for this man it just happened. He has a girlfriend. No I’ve never acted on these feelings no matter how much I’ve wanted to. Next question does this man care for you like you do for him? I’d love to give you a one hundred percent yes, but to be honest I’m not sure. I know he cares for me. How exactly I don’t know. It’s like one minute he wants to throw caution to the wind and give himself to me and open his heart then the next he pulls away and shuts down. I like him and I’d love to be with him, but I think I’ve come to the point where I’ve waited long enough. I try and try over again to start with someone new who cares about me, can give me the relationship I want, but he’s always in the back of my mind and it’s like he knows when he’s losing me because right there in the nick of time he does something to keep me hanging on, waiting, hoping things will change and I’ll have the future I’ve wanted with him. I don’t know how to give up I feel I’ve invested so much feelings, time, and love into this if I give up now everything will have been for nothing.
I’m sure he knows how I feel about him. The way I look at him I don’t think can ever change. With him it’s love and I think it always has been since the first day I saw him I just didn’t realize it. I can’t help but feel that there’s a reason he’s been out in my life. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I do hope so. I don’t want to wait forever no matter how great he is. I wonder what he’ll do when I’m finally done. Sorry I’m a little all over the place my mind just races with all these thoughts at once. Hmm. What do you guys think is sharing feelings and emotions with someone else emotional cheating? If you develop feelings for someone else does that mean the person your with is no longer the person your in love with? Can you love two people at once? Let me hear your thoughts and we can discuss them together. Advice accepted. Until next time fellow bloggers thanks for always hearing out my crazy rants. 😊

As time goes on.

Hello fellow bloggers 😊
How I’ve missed you all so! I’ve been gone for a while. I’ve been out there trying to live life the best I can let me update. I decided to make a dramatic change and chop my hair off and dye it. A little bold, but necessary. When I go through things I feel that cutting my hair and doing something different is like a fresh start a reason to start over and build yourself up again. That starts with self confidence if you look good you’ll feel good.
Let’s see still single obviously. Lol I’m okay with it for now. I figure it’s still not my time or else God would send me this man already. I want to renew my faith I want to try Christianity I was born and raised catholic, but we were never involved in the church I’ve always wanted that.
Time is flying by I’ll be 21 in August jeez! I joined a gym to healthier and look good for myself. It’s not that I don’t love myself I just think I’d be happier if I was thinner.
Oh yeah! So I stopped being a Beyoncé fans years ago and as much as I hesitated I listened to her album and I loved it! The song that made me become a fan again was “Blue” the song she made for her daughter it was beautiful. 😁
My brother joined the basketball team he’s amazing! I couldn’t be any more proud and what makes it even better is that I got to watch almost every game this season. Even though they didn’t make it far I’m still proud it’s not all about winning there will be next year and he will gain the experience he needs to make varsity shine!

I have a new brother he’s the strongest, sweetest, and most thoughtful young man I’ve ever met. More on him later though 😙

I’m working on some personal projects I won’t share just yet because I want them to happen and I wouldn’t want to jinx myself. 😁 Lame I know, but better safe than sorry!
I’m officially a disney pass holder again my goodness I couldn’t be happier. ☺️
In love I maybe unfortunate, but in other areas I’m satisfied.

I’ll return with more stories for now this is my update. I’ll do my best to keep up. Thank you guys for still sticking with me. 😊❤️