Unsatisfied.

I’m so unbelievably frustrated and I can’t explain why. What I thought I wanted was a boo thang to make me happy. To give me his time and affection. I thought I wanted him to love me and be afraid to lose me. I thought I wanted his unconditional loyalty and romance. I thought I wanted someone to accept me as I am and respect my decision to stay a virgin until I was married. There is a guy who’s willing to give me all of that and what have I done? I pushed him away. I don’t want him to talk to me, to call me, to love me, to miss me I don’t want anything. Not just from him I don’t want it from any man I’m talking to.

I don’t understand myself. I feel as if I’m cheating or if I’m doing something wrong. Yet I have no one to make me feel this guilt. I wish I knew why God is doing this to me, but I don’t. Why can’t I settle and be happy? Maybe right now isn’t my time who knows. Maybe what I thought I wanted isn’t what I actually want. Deep down I don’t know if I want a relationship at this time. Or if I do, but maybe these guys aren’t what I want and I only want who I think is “the one that got away” seeing him changed my mind. What if I know I only want him and these other guys don’t compare? I feel so confused, but you know what I’m going to wait. It’s been hard and sometimes lonely, but if he is what I think I want then I’ll wait. There’s a quote from perks of being a wallflower and it says “we accept the love we think we deserve” I’m not going to do that I won’t settle I will wait no matter how long it takes. Stupid? Maybe. I just can’t risk missing my chance.

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